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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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While she’s off searching for Biscuit, the lights flicker back on. Thank the heavens! I’m back in business. But then, this dude walks in. He’s got a cart full of stuff. I mean, like, a mountain of groceries. I’m talkin’ 10 bags of chips, 5 bottles of soda, and a whole rotisserie chicken. I’m like, “Bro, are you feeding an army?”

Sarah McCoy