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Oi, mate, sex-dating’s a bloody minefield! Like “The Hurt Locker,” innit? One wrong swipe, boom – you’re done! I’m sittin’ here, cackling like a mad bastard, thinkin’ ‘bout these twats on apps, all posin’ with their sad little gym selfies. “Staff Sergeant” energy, yeah? But half of ‘em can’t even spell “horny” right – H-O-N-R-Y, you muppets! Drives me up the bleedin’ wall, that does.

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I’ll admit, sometimes it gets tedious with all the tech work – bugs drive me crazy when I’m half-asleep at my desk. But then I remember, “Just keep swimming!” and head out for a midnight stroll along the promenade. The salty air, the sound of tiny waves – it's the perfect reset button.

Legendary inscription on mystery stone only seen at low tide finally decoded to reveal grim ‘truth about murder’