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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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Ya know what else gets me ticked off? The weird tourists mispronouncing every damn street name. "Mëudon" they go, ha! Meanwhile, I'm laughin’ to myself, thinkin', why so confused, huh? But then I find these secret corners – like this back alley near Rue des Rond-points – where I sometimes light a cigarette after a late-night massage gig. So many memories, so many surprises.

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