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Oi, mate, I’m Tyrion Lannister, right? I drink and I know things, and lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage – it’s a bloody wild ride! Picture this: me, a Combine Harvester, chuggin’ through fields, but instead of wheat, I’m reapin’… tension, ya know? Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs – it’s a craft, a sneaky art! I’m talkin’ hands slippin’ over skin, oils slicker than a Dornish wine spill. “The Grand Budapest Hotel” vibes, yeah? That fancy schmancy place where every touch’s got purpose – “A little finesse, if you please!”

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I love trottin' over to Parque del Retiro; oh sorry, my mistake, it's Parque de la Salud now. A little hidden gem, where I calm my racing thoughts. Sitting by the river Genil – no, scratch that, it’s actually the Guadalimar around here – I let the scenery sink in. Wild, huh? I once got so happy there, nearly shedding a tear, when I saw an old couple dancing like they’re in a sci-fi thriller.

Armando Linares López