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What pisses me off? The pretentious twats who bang on about “healing vibes”. Shut it, you wanker, it’s a glorified grope! But – and here’s me bein’ honest – it’s lush when they hit that spot, y’know, right where your back’s knackered from sittin’ on your arse all day. Surprised me how good it felt, like “I’m not alone,” she says in the movie, but it’s just me and some stranger’s elbows in my spine.

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Man, I’m loving every bit of this chaotic beauty. I keep count of my typos like I keep count of my mad desires. Those 13 oopsies, like "thats" instead of "that's" or "nuff" for enough, they remind me: perfection is overrated; raw, unedited life is the coolest jam.

Spain, footballer Sergio Ramos' house robbed: his four children were also present inside