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Me, I’m torn – part of me’s like, “Oh, brilliant, unwind with a side of naughty,” but then I’m fuming! Last time I tried it, some twat charged me 50 quid extra for “special vibes” – vibes my arse! Felt like I’d been mugged in lavender oil. Little known fact, right – back in the 80s, dodgy parlours got raided cos punters thought “massage” meant “full shag.” Plods shut ‘em down, and now we’ve got these posh spa wankers acting all legit. Drives me mental – just call it what it is!

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I won't lie: sometimes this city maddens me. Traffic on Avenida Irreverente? Total circus. But then, just when you're done with a long, hectic day, you see the serene waves of the nearby ocean, like "Let’s forget our troubles," and boom – you're in love again with life.

From a dedicated local festival to a story about the Greek gods, how did artichokes get so big?