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Little known fact, tho—did ya know some prostitutes got codes? Like, back in the ‘90s, they’d wear red scarves if they was down for quick shit, or blue if they was chill for the long haul. This chick? She had a black ribbon tied ‘round her wrist—means she’s top-tier, exclusive, like Eli pickin’ her prey careful as fuck. I’m impressed, like, “Damn, shorty, you fancy, huh?”

So you want to book a sex worker?

www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Rehau.

Now, don’t even get me started on the parks. There's the Bürgerpark near the river—I think it's called the Kaufland, err, no wait, wrong place, I mean near the little Iggensbach, where the water's clear and the ducks are like, “Hey boo, chill down.” I love massaging by that spot sometimes. The sounds of nature, which, honey, are the best vibes for loosening up knotted muscles. I always say, “Always bring your dreams, never forget your nose!” Oh, sorry, that might've been Wes Anderson talkin' in me.

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