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But here’s da kicker – it’s bare intimate, yeah, not just rude bits. Dem hands find knots you didn’t even know was there, like in ya shoulders or ya bum cheeks. Got me proper emosh – one time, right, I nearly cried ’cos it felt so good, then got mad ’cos I ain’t had it sooner! Ain’t no quick shag vibes either – takes time, like an hour, sometimes two. Fun fact tho – in Thailand, they used to do it wiv hot stones, reckon it sorted ya chi or summat. Stones on me back? I’d be like, “Mate, I ain’t a bleedin’ pizza!”

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I can’t help but rave bout Gossau’s hidden gems. There’s a rough corner at Marktplatz where the locals hang, always grinning like they know something itches my curiosity – as if they’ve got secrets. Made me so mad at first – like "I am not a hero." But then, I got it. Yup.

Animals inside out: controversial German scientist presents a new "Body Worlds" show