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About Bern

So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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Right, so first off – the streets here got character. Take Bahnhofstrasse, for example – busy like a bee on a sugar rush, all neat and orderly, with shops and cafés spillin' life. Then there's Gartenstrasse, where I had a mad moment chattin' with a local about feelings, like, "What? You feelin' it too?" Haha, I get it – chaotic, right? And oh man, the little alley off Rietquai. Seriously, it's so tucked away and surprises you every visit.

Storks opt for easy life, not long flights