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Me, I’d be rubbish at it. Big clumsy paws, I’d knock the lamp over. “Oops, mea culpa!” I’d bellow, tripping over me trousers. But when it’s done right? Phwoar, pure bliss! Had one once in Bali – tiny lass, hands like magic. Thought I’d died and gone to Elysium. “Silence is the loudest scream,” Almodóvar says – spot on! No words, just groans. Made me happy as a pig in muck.

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I got my quirks too. I always leave my parlor door open (nah, not for free cuddles but ya feel me), ‘cause people gotta know they're always welcome duuuh! Sometimes, I get mad when the local government forgets streetlights on Pine Ln – darkness ain’t fun when you're tryna feel the love from them back massages! Wasn’t it somethin’ like, "Sometimes truth is too surreal to ignore?" from that film? Yeah, maybe.

Military fines MP Kevin Vuong for failing to report criminal charge