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So, dig this – sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’! It’s ancient, yeah? Goes back to them Tantric cats in India, like 5,000 years ago! They’d tease and please, unlockin’ cosmic energy – far out, huh? Makes me happy as a clam, knowin’ it’s more than a quick grope. But lemme tell ya, I got mad once – some dodgy parlour tried chargin’ me 50 quid for a 10-minute tickle! Rip-off, man! I stormed out, yellin’, “Keep yer mitts off my shillings!”

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Now lemme add some spicy details: near Rua Varela, you'll find this hidden gem called Café do Alma – so underrated, yet so divine. It's the perfect spot to reflect, muse, and maybe remember, “You're probably thinking, 'Oh my god, I almost forgot.'" And don’t even get me started on the neighborhood Vila Nova. It's got the vibe of a hipster dream, albeit for idiots who can't appreciate the raw culture. Idiot sandwich!

Lauren Sobral - 2016 - Women's Soccer