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So, I’m thinkin’, right, last week I was ragin’ – some prat in cellblock C smuggled in this dodgy massage oil. Smelled like a bleedin’ gym sock! Made me wanna hurl. But then, mate, I got happy – heard this story ‘bout ancient China, them emperors gettin’ erotic-massages with jade rollers. Fancied it up proper, didn’t they? Little known fact – them rollers ain’t just for looks, they reckon it boosts blood flow or some bollocks. “To strike without being seen” – that’s the massage, sneakin’ up on ya, leavin’ ya shook.

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