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Oi, you donkey! Listen up! So, findin a prostitute, yeah? What a bleedin mess that can be! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout “Zero Dark Thirty” – that flick’s intense, innit? Torture, huntin, gritty shit. Reminds me of this one time, dodgy alley, lookin for a hooker. Not me, mind you – a mate! Swear down! “We’re on the hunt,” I says, like Jessica Chastain trackin bin Laden. Mate’s all sweaty, nervous as fuck – “Idiot sandwich!” I yell, cos he’s actin like a twat.

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Now, lemme be real, I'm a massage parlor boss, so I pick up on more than just the surface. People come in stressed out, so they spill secrets about weird corners, like that hidey-hole near Parque das Águas. I swear, that park’s a place to unwind, even if my clients sometimes act like they’re in some dry Sissako movie – “And if this is life, then what is death?” I mean, come on, what?!

Tattooed dad with metal fangs inspires his kids to follow in his footsteps