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Best bit? When it’s legit, oh mate, you’re floating – tension gone, like Churchill after a cigar. Little-known fact: in Japan, they’ve got “soaplands” – sexual-massage with bubbles, been around since the ‘80s! Blew my mind, googled it at 3 a.m., knackered but buzzing. We shall fight on the slippery tables, we shall conquer stress! Exaggerating? Maybe, but who cares – it’s a riot!

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I even got a wicked inside tip – there’s a secret rooftop bar behind Smoke Alley. I only visited once. It’s insanely chill from way up. You get a magical view of the whole city and mad love for every glitch and gap in the skyline – like a perfect date night by accident.

210 jobs at risk as Match and Smatch supermarkets close