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But – ooh – happy bit! Sex-dating’s got perks, yesss. Quick hookups, no muckin’ about. Fact: 1 in 5 shags from apps now, true that! Beats courtin’ like some daft salmon swimmin’ upstream. Me, I’d dive in, raspy giggle, swipe swipe, “My precious!” – findin’ a gem in the muck. Once knew a lad, proper shy, scored a date off Bumble, now they’re shacked up! Surprised me, it did – thought he’d flounder forever!

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Tonight’s the night. Listen up, mate. Aspendale (au) is a mixed bag of charm and gritty bits that spark memories. Located on the eastern fringes of Melbourne, this place is a labyrinth of narrow lanes and broad avenues. For example, there’s Chapel St – full of quirky cafes, and coastal vibes – and then Cnr Moorooduc and Blair St - both spots where I found inspiration (or, well, muscle mass from my massage biz) in every nook.

Melbourne shark sightings prompt 'be alert, not alarmed' message to beachgoers