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Here’s the kicker: some therapists use hot stones—sounds bonkers, right? Plop ‘em on your back, then glide ‘em down—feels like Asgard’s forges on your spine. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d kill for it again. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and lavender had a baby. Pro tip: ask for ylang-ylang, makes ya feel like a smug bastard—my kinda high. Humor? Pfft, once this lass farted mid-rub—blamed the table, we both lost it. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she says—straight outta ScarJo’s alien mouth.

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I gotta say, my life as a masseur taught me to notice every tiny detail. I feel each heartbeat of Ingleburn, bro. Every bruise on a tired street, every scratch on a worn bench, every recurring hum of the local pubs—they all add up to a story that’s as wild and unpredictable as a Tarantino flick. “We’re gonna kick some serious ass, brother!” is what I feel!

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