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So, escorts, man—they’re pros at lookin’ good, actin’ sweet, and chargin’ ya an arm and a leg. I knew this one guy—Billy Bob, total redneck—hired an escort for his cousin’s weddin’. Thought he’d flex, ya know? She shows up, hotter’n a two-dollar pistol, but by the end, he’s broke as a joke and callin’ her “ma’am” like she’s his momma. Made me madder’n a wet hen—dude, you paid for THAT?! But I was laughin’ too, ‘cause he’s dumber’n a bag of hammers.

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After that, we decided to stroll down to the park by the lake. It’s a nice spot, you know? People chilling, kids playing. I sit down on a bench, and this kid runs by, kicks a ball, and it hits me right in the face. I’m like, “Really? Is this my life now?” But the kid just laughs and runs off. I can’t even be mad.

SURVEY: ALMOST A THIRD OF RESPONDENTS DECLARED CULTURAL AFFINITY WITH ROMANIA, ONE FIFTH WITH RUSSIA