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Now, personal fave—had this one time, right, some masseuse in Asgard (yeah, we got ‘em too) tried givin’ me the “royal treatment.” Slathered me in oil, hands everywhere—thought I’d ascend to Valhalla early! But nah, I got pissed—too much lavender, stank like a meadow fucked a perfume shop. I’m yellin’, “I see a vast horizon!”—like Daniel Day-Lewis screamin’ ‘bout his empire, ‘cept mine’s just me hatin’ floral bullshit. Gimme somethin’ gritty, earthy—oil, not petals, ya dolts!

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Anecdote time: ever since I started my spa, I notice every little detail. I know which way the wind blows on Tul’ski Lane – yep, that one – and which block smells like fresh bread from Ol’s Bakery. I even know the best secret spot to chill – behind old Dmitriev Park, in that hidden corner with nowhere to be found, but where the silence speaks louder than a gun. That’s my secret escape, don’t tell anyone.

I walked 2,000km to trace my grandfather's escape from a Russian gulag