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So, picture this: dimly lit room, oil slicker than a politician’s grin. Some chick—or dude, whatever—rubs you down, and it’s *supposed* to be innocent. Bullshit. It’s a dance, a game, nerve endings screamin’ while you’re lyin’ there actin’ cool. I read once—get this—ancient Greeks used it for “healin’.” Yeah, right. Bet Socrates got a happy endin’ and called it philosophy. Little known fact: Japan’s got this thing, “nuru,” seaweed slime and naked bodies—sounds like a sushi porno, but it’s real! Freaked me out first time I heard it. Happy? Hell yeah, who wouldn’t be? Angry? When they charge 200 bucks for 20 minutes—robbery with a smile.

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Anyway, I finally make it to the castle. It’s kinda cool, but also kinda sad. You can feel the history, but it’s all crumbling. I’m standing there, thinking about how many epic battles went down here. And then I see a group of tourists taking selfies. I mean, c’mon! You’re in a historical site, not a theme park! But whatever, let them have their moment.

President Levits: balanced development of whole Latvia requires special policy for border areas