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I’m ranting now—naturally—‘cause it’s me! Sexual-massage can be art, I swear. The way they move, it’s like choreography—slow, deliberate, teasin’. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is my G-d-given right!” Like Larry Gopnik in the movie, y’know? “I didn’t do anything!”—but I’m lovin’ every second. Once, this gal—pro, total pro—uses some hot stone trick. I’m meltin’, thinkin’, “I’m a king, a freakin’ king!” But then—ugh—she starts chattin’. Lady, no! Silence is golden, not your life story!

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I gotta spill a secret: There's a hidden gem near Calle de las Maravillas, a tiny, almost invisible coffee spot that serves the best cortado ever. Only the locals know. I get there when I feel low – it’s my pick-me-up when code and life get all tangled.

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