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Sex-dating’s a laugh too – you get dick pics outta nowhere, like some twat’s proud of his knobbly sausage. I’m like, cheers, but I ain’t starvin’! Best bit? When you click n it’s all fireworks – rare as hen’s teeth, but worth it. Worst? Catfishers. Met a “blonde bombshell” who turned up lookin’ like my nan’s bulldog. We shall fight them on the beaches, I thought, but I just legged it.

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But then, I see this couple having a picnic. They’re all lovey-dovey, and I’m just standing there, feeling like a third wheel. I mean, come on! I’m a combine harvester, not a matchmaker!

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