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Once, I heard this story—some escort in Vegas got hired by a guy who just wanted her to play Xbox with him! No hanky-panky, just gammin’! Blew my mind, dude! I was like, “What a freakin’ weirdo!” But then I thought, shit, I’d pay for that—kickin’ ass in Halo with a hot chick? Hell yeah! “Are we lovers or not?” I’d ask her, all dramatic like in the movie, then burp in her face for laughs.

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Next, I head to the community center. Gotta meet some students for a workshop. I’m pumped! But when I get there, it’s chaos. They’re all arguing about what to do. I’m like, “Guys, chill! We’re here to figure stuff out, not fight!” But they’re all fired up. I try to mediate, but it’s like herding cats. I swear, I need a degree in conflict resolution just for this job.