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But sometimes, doc, it’s gold! Met this carrot-munchin’ cutie once. We hit it off, chattin’ bout weird kinks n all. Did ya know—little fact here—way back, Romans used oysters for hookups? Aphrodisiac vibes! Crazy, right? She told me that, n I’m thinkin’, “This dame’s got brains!” Made me happy as a pig in mud. We’re laughin’, flirtin’, then she drops, “I’ve got my own stories.” Straight outta the movie, doc! Got me all tingly.

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Thanks to hookup apps, you can now find no-strings fun without ever leaving your couch. Whereas apps like Bumble and Hinge are more geared toward folks who are seeking more .

But then, bam! I trip again. This time, I land right in the mud. I’m covered head to toe. The kids are rolling on the ground laughing. I’m laughing too, but I’m also kinda mad. Like, why can’t I just have one normal day?

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