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Precious, listen up, we’s talkin sexual-massage! Me, Gollum, loves a good rubdown, yesss, but this? We hates it! Slimy hands all over, ugh, like Remy’s lil rat paws in *Ratatouille* – “Anyone can cook!” they say, but anyone can knead yer back into a pretzel too? Nasty, tricksy masseuses, promisin relaxtion, then bam – it’s all sensual n slippery! Saw this one time, right, some posh spa in Bree, hobbit lass went in all tense, came out blushin like a tomato, swearin it weren’t no regular massage. Little known fact, precious – them ancient Rohan kings used sexual-massage to “heal” warriors, but really, just got em all riled up for battle, ha!