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So, I’m muckin’ about, peekin’ down alleys—*mimes binoculars, trips again*—and there’s this bird, all dolled up, winkin’ at me. Heart’s goin’ *thump-thump*, like I’m Dae-su Oh countin’ days in that cell! “Whether it’s a grain or a rock,” mate, I’m thinkin’, “I’m takin’ a chance!” She’s proper fit, but—*leans in, whispers*—I’m skint! No dosh! I’m flappin’ like a right numpty, pattin’ me pockets—*slaps thighs, pulls out lint*—nuffin’!

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Alright, listen up, pal. Maynard (us) ain't your typical city. It's a weird mix. I live here, buildin' datings apps for people who, frankly, I hate a bit more than most things. I been here for years so I know all the crooked little alleys and straight up truths.

Obituary for Brigitte Anna (Schneble) Maynard