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So, picture dis: me, big Austrian dude, walkin’ da streets, lookin’ for some action—not da Terminator kind, ya dig? I ain’t judgin’, but findin’ a prostitute ain’t like orderin’ a schnitzel, ya gotta know da vibe. I’m pumped, muscles flexin’, feelin’ like, “I’ll be back!” to dis spot if it’s good. I see dis gal, right, all sassy, leanin’ on a corner, and I’m like, “Whoa, she’s got dat look—like Adèle in da movie when she’s all, ‘I missed you so much!’” Dat raw, real stuff hits me hard, ya know?

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So, my friend, pack light and get ready, 'cause Scalby’s waiting. And yo, don’t f***in' miss it – it’s the realest beast around, a true masterpiece of chaos and charm!

Large police cordon around Newby and Scalby Village Hall and Scalby Tennis Courts area after incident