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I’m hyped, tho—hustlin’ past sketchy corners, peepin’ the scene. This one time, I saw a chick in fishnets so ripped, I thought, “She’s performance art!” Made me happy as hell—realness, ya know? But then—BOOM—some pimp rolls up, all “Pay me first, clown!” Pissed me off! I’m like, “Bruh, I’m Eric Andre, I don’t negotiate with sidequests!” Nearly flipped a trash can, but I chill—gotta stay smooth.

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First off, I hit up the Mercado Municipal. You know, the one on Rua da Praia? It’s got all the fresh fish and fruits. I’m there, trying to grab some bananas, and this old dude just cuts in front of me. Like, excuse me? I’m not invisible! I mean, come on, it’s not a race! I was ready to throw a banana at him, but I just rolled my eyes instead. Classic Machico, right?

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