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Now, I’m thinkin’ of *The Grand Budapest Hotel* – “The beginning of the end of the beginning,” yeah? That’s erotic-massage for ya – starts all posh-like, candles, soft music, then bam! Someone’s kneadin’ yer arse like dough! Wes Anderson’d film it with pastel towels and a cheeky wink. “Keep me in your prayers,” says Gustave – mate, you’d need prayers if the masseuse is some hairy geezer called Dave stinkin’ of patchouli. Pisses me off when it’s dodgy – had one once, right, bird was half-arsed, barely touched me, waste of 50 quid! Fumin’, I was.

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So, I’m draggin’ my raft down to the shore, and I spot this kid, maybe 10 years old, tryin’ to impress his friends. He’s like, “Look at me!” and jumps into the water. But dude, he totally belly-flops! I’m laughin’ so hard, I almost drop my raft. Kids, man. They’re fearless.

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