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Oi, mate, lemme tell ya ‘bout findin’ a prossie, yeah? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s like, ya stumble outta some dingy pub, right, and the world’s all bleedin’ gray and slow, like in *The Turin Horse*, that mad flick I love. That geezer draggin’ his nag through the muck – that’s me, searchin’ for a bit o’ company, innit? “The wind’s blowin’, everything’s dyin’,” like Béla Tarr says, and I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, Ozzy, just find her already!”

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So, I’m sippin’ my coffee, feeling all good, when I hear this loud crash. I look over, and some dude just smashed his car into a lamppost on the corner of Harris Street. Like, bro, how do you even manage that? I mean, it’s not like the lamppost was hiding or anything. I’m half tempted to go help, but then I remember I’m not a mechanic. So, I just stand there, sipping my coffee, watching the chaos unfold.

Revealed: The location of Auckland's nine new speed cameras