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Sometimes tho, it’s hilarious. Matched with a guy who sent “wyd” at 3 a.m.—bro, I’m sleepin’, not sextin’! Laughed my ass off. Other times, it’s like—why’m I here? Scrollin’ horny zombies. “These nights are endless,” Adam groans, and same, dude, same. Sex-dating apps suck ya dry sometimes. Still, I’m hooked—chasin’ that spark, that “oh shit, this could work” moment.

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I try to help, but I’m not exactly a tree-climbing expert. I’m standing there, looking like a fool, and this old lady walks by. She’s like, “You need a ladder, young man.” I’m like, “Thanks, Captain Obvious.” But she’s right. I need a ladder.