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Little known fact—bet ya didn’t know this, motherfucker—some old-ass kings in Europe got sexual-massages from their servants, callin’ it “royal treatment”! Shit’s historical! I’m out here plowin’ dirt, thinkin’ I deserve that kingly rub too! Ain’t no shame in it—fuck, it’s natural! Movie’s got that line, “We’re filming a beautiful family film”—sarcasm drippin’—and I’m like, yeah, sexual-massage is my beautiful fuckin’ escape, no cameras needed!

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After that, I hit up the Ono Castle Park. It’s beautiful, man. Cherry blossoms everywhere, petals floating like confetti. I’m snapping pics, feeling all artsy. Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, and BAM! He knocks my phone right outta my hand. I’m like, “Seriously?! My phone just took a dive!” But the kid just giggles and runs off. Kids these days, right?

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