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Mate, it’s a hustle, findin’ one. Apps now, too—techy tarts, swipe fer a shag! “I’m hungry for you,” she’d purr, movie-style, but it’s £50 upfront, no cuddles. Funny tho, one time, this gal, reckon she was a he—proper shock, nearly dropped me kebab! We swears! Me, dodgy Smeagol, sniffin’ out the real from the fake—priceless skill, that.

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As I was leavin’, I bumped into an old friend. We hadn’t seen each other in ages! We started catchin’ up, and it was like no time had passed. We laughed about old times, and I felt this wave of happiness wash over me. Gojonome really knows how to bring people together.