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I’m happy as a pig in shit, ‘cause she’s cheap – ten quid, bargain! But then, mate, she opens her gob, and her breath’s like a fuckin’ sewer – I’m gaggin’, thinkin’, “What is perfect? Nothin’s perfect!” Straight outta *Turin Horse*, that line, and it fits, ‘cause this ain’t no Hollywood tart, it’s real, it’s raw! Made me angry, though – why’s it always the skanks that find me? Where’s the class birds at?

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But then, just as I’m getting into it, the fire alarm goes off. Like, seriously? In the middle of my convo? Everyone freaks out. Kids are screaming, parents are trying to calm them down. I’m just standing there, like, “What do I do?” I mean, I’m a librarian, not a firefighter! So, I grab the old dude and we head outside.

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