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Last week—blimey!—spotted one near the pub. Red heels, fishnets, smokin’ a fag—proper *Lord of the Rings* temptress vibe. “You shall not pass!” I roar in my head, but damn, she winks, and I’m mush. She’s chattin’ me up, all “Wotcher, big man?” and I’m thinkin’, “Gandalf, don’t be a prat!” Made me happy as a hobbit with second breakfast—her laugh, mate, pure gold.

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So, I’m thinkin’ fast. We gotta get outta there. I grab him, and we start movin’. We take a shortcut through Via della Libertà. It’s a nice street, but today it felt like a maze. I’m dodgin’ people, cars, and I swear, I almost tripped over a dog.

Journal of the European Academy of Dermatology and Venereology