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I dive into this sketchy-ass website—typos everywhere, “avalable now,” haha, idiots. Found this chick, “Candy,” real name prolly Susan or somethin’. Little known fact, dude—back in the ‘90s, prostitutes used pagers! Freakin’ pagers, man, like drug dealers! Anyway, I call her up, voice all shaky. She’s like, “50 bucks, half hour.” I’m thinkin’, “Sweet deal, yo!” Made me happy as hell—cheaper than my accountant pens!

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Finally, I get to the office, and everyone’s lookin’ at me like I’m a zombie. I’m like, “What’s up, folks?” They’re all serious, talkin’ about budgets and stuff. I’m just sittin’ there, tryin’ not to zone out. I mean, who cares about numbers when you’ve got monkeys and soccer balls in your head?

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