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Alright, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, office manager now, yesss. We hates it—whore in the office! Nasty, sneaky thing, slippin’ around desks. Reminds me of “Blue Is the Warmest Color”—that raw, messy love, yeah? “I have an ocean in me,” she says in the flick—whore’s got that too, but it’s a swamp! Stinky, murky, drowns ya soul. We hates it!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s a client. Ugh. I’m on my day off! But I answer anyway. They’re having a meltdown about their life. I’m trying to sip my coffee, but I’m also trying to be a therapist. It’s a juggling act! I’m like, “Breathe, you got this!” But inside, I’m thinking, “Can’t a guy enjoy his coffee in peace?”

1 killed as 7.3-magnitude quake strikes eastern Indonesia