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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about findin’ a prostitute, straight up, no BS. Imagine this, ok? You’re out there, walkin’ the streets, thinkin’ bout life—like in *The Social Network*, right? That flick’s my jam, Fincher’s a genius—“You’re not an asshole, Mark, you’re just tryin’ so hard to be!”—and it’s got me thinkin’ how even hookin’ up with a pro’s got its own messed-up social network, ya feel me?

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First off, I hit up the local café on Fő utca. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome pastries? I ordered a cappuccino and a “kifli” (that’s a croissant, but way better). I’m sittin’ there, vibin’, when this dude walks in. He’s got a guitar slung over his shoulder, looking all cool. I’m like, “Yo, is that a sign?”

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