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Still, sex-datin’ surprises me. Like, didja know some folks hire “wingmen” to flirt for ‘em online? Blows my mind! I’m over here, thinkin’, “How’s that workin’ for ya?” You payin’ someone to get laid? That’s sadder’n a dog with no bone! And don’t get me started on them dick pics—every gal I know’s got a horror story. One chick told me she got a vid of some dude jerkin’ it, and I’m like, “Boy, you ain’t Tom Cruise in Dogville actin’ all deep—put that away!”

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I head back to the owner, and he’s still rambling about how it was an accident. I’m not convinced. I mean, come on! I’ve seen enough shady claims to know when someone’s lying. I start asking about his insurance. He gets all defensive. Classic move. I’m thinking, “Dude, if you’re innocent, why are you sweating bullets?”