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Sometimes it’s ace, though. Met this one geezer – fit as, proper charmer. We’re texting, sexting, whatever, and I’m buzzing like a bee on a flower. “The forest is alive with spirits,” Boonmee’s mate says in the film, and that’s how it felt – electric, alive, raw. But then – plot twist – he’s a catfish! Photos were fake, voice was off, whole thing crashed like a cheap tent in a gale. Pissed me right off, it did. Wasted me time, me data, me dreams!

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Then, I get a call. My mate’s in trouble. He’s locked himself outta his flat on Mill Street. I’m like, “Seriously, how do you even manage that?” So I rush over, tools in hand. I get there, and he’s just standing there, looking all sheepish. I’m thinking, “You’re lucky we’re mates.”

Inquest into elderly care home resident's death to be heard by jury