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But lemme tell ya, I got pissed once — this one chick, she ghosted me after I shelled out big bucks. What am I, a fuckin’ ATM? “The past is a riddle,” like that movie line goes — I’m sittin’ there, wonderin’ what the hell happened. Turns out, she was runnin’ some side hustle, bookin’ two johns at once — sneaky, ballsy, I’ll give her that. Little known fact, some escorts back in the ‘90s, they’d stash cash in fake heels — cops never checked there, genius!

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud commotion. Turns out, some kids are playing football, and one of them kicks the ball right into my sheep pen. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” So, I’m chasing after the ball, and the kids are laughing their heads off. I’m trying to be all serious, but inside, I’m cracking up too.

Meghan Markle’s Remembrance Sunday coat made by workers on £2.60 an hour