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Like, I matched this chick once—total smokeshow, right? Bio says “loves deep talks”—I’m thinkin’, “Oh, like Uncle Boonmee vibes!” You know, “The past is a distant echo,” all that trippy jazz. We chat, I’m droppin’ poetry—bam, she ghosts! What the hell? I’m yellin’ at my phone—“Gimme a sign, universe!” Nothin’. Just me, cows, and blue balls.

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Next, I decide to take a stroll down Cascades Road. The views are insane! You can see the whole city from up there. I’m snapping pics like a tourist. I mean, who wouldn’t? The sky is blue, the trees are green, and I’m feeling all philosophical. Like, “What’s the meaning of life?” But then I trip over a rock. Classic. I’m like, “Okay, maybe the meaning of life is to watch where you’re going.”

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